Inevitable Consequences - The Backstory

Dear Nicole Kristine Pts:

At 23 years of age, you are now two and a half years older than your mother was at the time of her death. There are certain things you should know about her... things that will surely not be easy to hear but definitely need to be told if you are to understand your own history.

First of all, a word about difficult times in our lives:

They serve a purpose. They can make us or break us. We can succumb to them and resign ourselves to living as victims OR we can rise above them, carrying on with a hard won strength. Either outcome will depend largely on perspective and of course, the measure of God's grace is fundamental and impossible to ignore.

Yvonne was not a leader, she was a follower. That in itself is not a crime but it plays a role...

Our parents divorced and as I've already stated, that grief set in motion a whole series of inevitable consequences. Stability and security are the unspoken perhaps unheralded benefits to children when a father chooses to honour his role as family head. Conversely, when a father chooses to abandon his commitment to the mother of his children - the opposite happens.

Yvonne was a tender ten when this travesty occurred in her life and in her quest for affirmation, love and a sense of belonging - she became pregnant too soon by a fellow she scarcely knew --your Dad. Yvonne was also renowned for her simplistic perception of reality and so we found out quite by accident one day that she was already a scandalous 8 months into the pregnancy!

Yes. You read that right. We can't quite believe our own stupidity in the whole matter but worse still, we were all instrumental in pushing through the hasty but disastrous 'solution' of marriage on the spot. You were born a scant three weeks after the fact.

Our new brother-in-law and his family were virtual strangers to us and we discovered too late that most of what we did know, was a facade.

Yvonne knew she had 'made her bed' so to speak and quietly bore the neglect and emotional abuse that would be hers for the next two years.

Looking back? I would like to say this one thing in your father's defense: Too long after the fact, did we stop to wonder if he had lived his adolescent life under great personal duress - we have no other explanation for the extreme volatility of temper.

Clearly, we should have known better and showed greater caution and concern for his well-being - we certainly live with the regrettable consequences.

When, in the subsequent pregnancy and stillbirth of your sister Kimberly (at seven months in the womb) your mom's cancer was diagnosed - your father made it clear that this was more trouble than he bargained for, becoming a mere phantom presence in her palliative care.

True to her innate character, Yvonne steadfastly refused to recognize her fragile state of health and ignored our pleas to prepare for possible death right up to the night before she died.

Hence our desire to see some sort of legal protection over your care and future was denied us and you became the ward of your grandparents -- people who, for reasons still unknown, committed to do everything in their power to 'hide' you from our company and influence.

Indeed, it was many months (if not years! the memory is now so faded) before a family court order restored my mothers' right to see you, the daughter of her deceased daughter.

There was a brief respite from that terrible period of time when your father joined up with a woman named Heidi with whom he fathered a son named Curtis (Stephen?) - your half brother. Heidi proved to be a compassionate and reasonable woman who often facilitated your visits with our family.

Unfortunately, that 'marriage' also ended soon after it began and your paternal grandparents took over your guardianship once again. When you turned twelve, the legal age for you to 'decide' for yourself - a letter arrived on my mom's doorstep informing us of your move to the state of Florida and your desire to discontinue the relationship. The memory is distant and blissfully faded but some of us seem to recall that you also left a message on her phone that you no longer wished to see your grandmother. That was the last we heard or saw of you.

I'm very tired now. This was a tedious and difficult post for me. I want to reiterate one point:

I find no pleasure in airing anyones dirty laundry for all the world to see. You and yours however, have left us with no alternative but to use the public domain to get our side of the story out there. Not one person of your acquaintance/relation has ever bothered to come to our defence or aid with this exception: Your father came to my mom once after your mom died and vowed we did not have to fear losing touch with you. On the fact of that broken promise alone - I rest my case and continue to pursue the truth - plain and simple.

You are loved Nicole - you have a huge family remembering you, praying for you and hoping to meet again someday in this life.