River Crossed!

Mom, surrounded by her children....

Newly arrived in the celestial city. 

Safe in the arms of Jesus. 

I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.

They will come in and go out, and find pasture.  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10: 9-10

But now, this is what the LORD says -- he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; 
I have summoned you by name;
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you...."
Isaiah 43

To all who have loved this woman along with us -
our sincere gratitude 

for your faithful friendship and loving care.  

God is very very good.  

(p.s. He was so gentle too!)

Phenomenal Mercy and Grace

Christmas Day was incredible.

All of us together in one place.

Ten great-grandchildren....

Thirty-four grandchildren....even Nicole from Florida!

Numbering fifty-five with significant others... 

(only engaged/marrieds were included here)  

Mom donned her prettiest housecoat - funky headwear and padded over to the couch for a half hour visit with us.  We sang, played our instruments, received words and gifts from Grandma.

Much Joy and many tears all jumbled up together.  

Absolutely wonderful.

Thank You Heavenly Father - that was a very precious provision.

Mom wants to impress the words of Psalm 103 on her family:

.....But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love 

is with those who fear him, 

and his righteousness with their children's children -- 

with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

The Cross at Christmas

My Mom.  

Still so young.  But still dying.  

No more chemo.  Relentless tumours.  Way more pain.  No appetite.

We're trying to find a pain medication that agrees with her body chemistry.

We were stretched out on her bed -- she spends increasing amounts of time in her bed -- 

this morning,  devo's was a rendering of Psalm 103... 

O my soul, bless God, don't forget a single blessing!  

He forgives your sins - every one.  

He heals your diseases - every one.  

(we smile at each other when I read this)

He redeems you from hell - saves your life!

He crowns you with love and mercy - a paradise crown.

(she's wearing it)

He wraps you in goodness - beauty eternal.

(she's beautiful alright)

He renews your youth - you're always young in his presence.

God makes everything come out right;

We have been very busy getting the proverbial 'house in order' - thankful for the time and ability to see this through and cope with the myriad emotions that wash over us.

We are praying to be able to enjoy each others company yet on Christmas Day 

when the whole shebang will be present.  

You have been praying haven't you?  

We are very thankful for this and ask that you continue to do so.

The final scene in John Bunyan's classic The Pilgrim's Progress shows Christian crossing the river to the celestial city.  Strong and mighty arms pull him up from his watery grave and embrace him with vigour, welcoming him into a splendour beyond description.  

To help someone prepare for such a crossing is....frightening, yes.  But less so now.

It's more like privilege.

And a very profound one at that.  

Almost a year in the making - our community project Great Hymns of Faith & Other Favourites is finally available.  It continues to be a great balm for a weary soul.

We missed the kafuffle over the moon.  

The way I see it?....we've had our fair share of amazing 'God displays' in different ways.

Imagine what a lunar eclipse would look like from His vantage point? 

Forgiveness - What it is and What it is not

First of all, let me say this:  Mom is slightly improved.  Please know that your prayers for 'peace' are both much apparent and appreciated.
Secondly, as to the title of this blog post - let me say unequivocably, I offer these thoughts not as an authority on the subject but as an ardent (albeit reluctant) student of same.  My observations are simply the result of serious but necessary soul searching and reflection of certain events in my pilgrimage.  Only by God's grace can I rightfully claim any richer understanding of the concept of forgiveness.
And no doubt - I have far to go.

We watched a very gut-wrenching movie together - Momsie and her three daughters. 
Amish Grace is an exploration of two vital tenets of Christianity: grace & forgiveness and is based on the true story of the 2006 schoolhouse murders of five Pennsylvanian Amish girls.  It was strangely fortifying to sit through this bawling our eyes out together; the vigorous discussion that followed the film was such that only Mom's signal for rest and her bed brought us to a truce - a revisit is likely to happen soon.  :)



It was an extremely well-acted, respectful rendering of a horrible human tragedy and this is the line (defended by the Amish 'clergy') that sparked such a fierce debate:  Forgiveness is unconditional.
Collectively, we had just sat under a series of sermons and read a few books on precisely that topic:  Repentance/Forgiveness Restoration/Healing.
Unconditional forgiveness?  Does the Bible teach that?
Have you ever challenged yourself to ponder the precept?  Want a discussion to grow by?  Stick three or more people in the kitchen, pour some beverage of choice and lay your cards on the table.
I think you'll be surprised.  Maybe even a bit rattled.  Not to worry.  Spiritual stretching never killed anyone.  On the contrary.

Prayer Warriors Unite!

You've been asking for a while now, I know.
I've been waiting for inspiration - giving Mom some space in this journey - watching her - wishing to be of better use in this coming to terms with 'stuff'.
The facts of the matter:
Momsie was diagnosed with metastasized breast cancer last May.... two short years after her first foray into the chaotic world of chemo, radiation and radical surgery to purge herself from the cancer.
Her prognosis was a year to a year and a half with treatment.  'Treatment' means several rounds of poisonous chemo which the odd recipient at the Juravinski Cancer Centre doesn't comport well.
Like our mom.  She ended up taking most of her monthly cycles of chemo at half potency which she also rightly assumed would be far less effective.   Last weeks CT scan confirmed her suspicions; of her numerous tumours, that worrisome beast on her liver is twice the size.
Her pain is more constant now.  She is fiercely independent and trying to weather herself through it without
too much medication.  She doesn't like the effect that codeine in Tylenol 3 has on her system.
Carrying that pain around though, makes her weak and weaker still.
I mean shockingly so.
Now she's started a pain reliever called Endocet:  it contains a narcotic (oxycodone) and a non-narcotic element (acetaminophen).
I suspect that Mom's reluctance to incorporate this stuff in her daily regiment is a fear of developing a dependency on pain relief too early.  She saw what a zombie it made of her daughter Yvonne many years ago when Mom was her attentive nurse-maid.
It's a bit of a vicious circle.  She has no energy to speak of and yet hanging around like a limp dishrag has a negative effect on both the body and the spirit.  Is this resignation I see?  Is this a necessary and natural part of the journey?
She also has until December 21 (or 23rd?) to consider taking more chemo in pill form.  *sigh*
The conclusion of the matter:
We need to engage in prayer with you.  All of you.
1.  For the strength to pass this over to the LORD and to rest in Him.
2.  For courage to face the coming days with confidence and (dare I say it?) with joy.
3.  For relief from pain and a drug that she's comfortable (and may I add consistent) with.
4.  For clear direction regarding the decision for more chemo versus palliative care.
Thank you for loving Mom with us.  The Family of God is a great place to be.

Hi from 3Y at Mac!

3Y Room 5 is isolation.  Reserved for patients who are at risk of infection - in this case, due to very low white blood cell counts.   We were forced to wear this Darth Vader gear and I obliged for the first ten minutes.  Then I had to make a choice.  Throw caution to the wind or suffocate during the line of duty.  

I had Susie capture my ten minute submission to the rules for the sake of posterity - 

besides, we were laughing so hard and gasping for air - McMaster would have had to supply us two more beds if we kept it up!

You've waited inordinately long to hear about Mom's progress.  So here at last is the visual to demonstrate her improved state of mind and spirit... 

She's some kind of cool great grandma - watching movies and playing solitaire on an ipad.  Today I found her wearing headphones under a baseball cap and fixated on the screen with Sense & Sensibility.  

Suddenly, she looked more 17 than 71.  LOL.    

But should you doubt me at all, here's the visual that should clinch it for everyone:

She's hounding us for six dice again - 

AND she's womping us everytime!

Dear friends and family:

Whew!  The past ten days have been 'challenging' to say the least and I am quite sure that I  speak for all my siblings (and mom!) when I say we are VERY thankful to be on the other side of it.  As you know, Mom had cycle two of chemo at the Juravinski Centre on Monday, July 19.

Dr. Ellis (Mom's Canadian oncologist) was very accommodating to our requests for more steroids and lining up home care for intravenous hydration based on our experience in Germany.  A different steroid was used and a slower schedule of being weaned off them - she also had a different anti-nausea drug to take home (Granesitron for those who just have to know) but after about four or five days - very little by way of food or drink was staying down and we had to face that same demon of pending dehydration.  The home-care nurse ordered her into hospital so that she could also get her heart meds thru intravenous.  *sigh*  

Mom spent about two and a half days in emerg and was eventually placed in isolation at 3Y room 5 at McMaster because of her low white blood cell count.  Chemo recipients always face a short lived 'danger' zone when the white blood cell count dips but it generally corrects itself IF you are eating and drinking reasonable amounts.  Hospitals are not generally where you want to be in that particular moment in time - however, by God's provision, Mom plowed thru cycle two and is once again smiling despite her circumstances.  

She is also now sporting some funky new hat-wear and bandanna's, one of them gives her the appearance of the flying nun :) ....but seriously?  I am so humbled watching Mom calmly shoulder some of these chemotherapy indignities!   I think if someone shaved MY hair off, I'd burst into some blubbering bawl-baby fit  and put everyone for miles around on edge.  

There was however, that same gut-wrenching moment of time where Mom wanted to give up and....well, just die.  This is where rubber hits the road and now that Mom is feeling decent again, we have some serious issues to consider and decisions to make - particularly since a CT scan is scheduled for next Tuesday.  Future course of action depends so much on what those test results show.  

So, dear friends and family and all who pray regularly for Mom, we have three very specific requests to make:

1.  Pray for her courage to see those results.

2.  Pray for peace of mind and the mind of Christ to make good decisions based on those results.

3.  Pray that in all respects, Mom (and everyone who surrounds her) will acknowledge and submit to the plan of our loving, gracious, Sovereign God and that we will live out our days in JOY.

He isn't 'safe' but He sure is Good.  (Hit the link and find out what this really means).

With Love,

Joanne

With Gratitude

Family and Friends!  Your ears please.
Tuesday June 30 has dawned bright, blue and hopeful.
My baby sister has arrived safely which makes our battalion a threesome - 
(counting those only present in the body, I am quick to add!)
Mom is slowly but surely climbing back out of her chemo crash.  
SO thankful for your support and encouragement in prayer, e-mail, phone and blog comments:
Christ-centered counsel
      Humbling
            Exquisitely timed        
                 Making more of us 
                     Ordained by Him   
                       
Enough said.  Except to borrow from another acrostic, Psalm 145....

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
   and your dominion endures throughout all generations.
The LORD is faithful in all his words
   and kind in all his works.
The LORD upholds all who are falling
   and raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
   and you give them their food in due season.
You open your hand;
   you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all his ways
   and kind in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
   to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
   he also hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD preserves all who love him,
   but all the wicked he will destroy.
My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD,
   and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever.          

A VERY Quiet Sunday

The day dawned bright and beautiful - complete with the wonderful tolling bells 

signaling the call to worship!

We spent the entire afternoon outside under the awning.  Chemo recipients are warned to stay out of direct sunlight and naturally, they make sure you can here at Leonardis.  

I went for another stroll with my camera when the 'infusion' of six-dice reached saturation point. :)

I can't decide if the unique 'natural' look here around the Leonardis is intentional or stems from neglect.  There are other highly manicured properties round about that suggest the latter.  

This farmer has been hard at work bringing in the hay since the rain has finally stopped.

For a long time today, I was on my bedroom balcony following the antics of a large hawk, 

circling hungrily above the farmers freshly cut field.  

I captured this view of the mountain range on our return from Munich the day of Mom's CT scan.

It was taken at no less than 160km/hr from the front passenger seat of Victor's mad-cab.  LOL.

After Mom's rather harrowing experience with the CT scan (the needle dislodged partway thru the process) Victor thoughtfully made a drive-by viewing of the Castle he so desperately wanted us to see while we still had the chance.                              
                                      ***********
This is the former summer residence of the rulers of Bavaria and is located in the west part of the city in the middle of one of Munich's most beautiful parks. Five generations of Wittelsbach rulers were involved in the construction of this Baroque castle.

The building of Nymphenburg Castle  began in the reign of the Elector Ferdinand Maria: overjoyed by the birth of his son and heir, Max Emanuel, he had the central section built for his wife in the style of an Italian villa (Agostino Barelli, 1664-74). In about 1700, Max Emanuel commissioned Enrico Zuccali and Antonio Viscardi to extend the castle by adding galleries and pavilions.

Hit the link above for a cyber tour of one of Europe's most famous castles.

A glorious sunset for mom one evening as we entered her room... we view it as a heavenly benediction of our second sabbath 'rest' here in Germany.

And now, a progress report on Mom:

Once her blood sugar and blood pressure levels stabilized she actually had her best day 

(based on how she 'felt') on Friday the chemo day.

From there, three days have passed and she is steadily declining in how good she feels.

Metallic taste, loss of appetite, an overwhelming fatigue, nausea and over-all body soreness.

I just put her to bed and to sleep (I think) with a foot massage and she said even her teeth hurt.

This is not unusual of course to chemotherapy but I think we had both naively invested too much stock in the alternative meds countering those effects. 

As the saying goes:  This too shall pass.  

Be assured that she is carefully monitored to see her through these next few days as she climbs her way back out of the chemo reverie.  She sleeps a lot and I sit beside her reading a lot.

Prayer for regaining strength in body & spirit are always much obliged.

Chemo Day!

How on earth does an 'end stage' cancer patient wake up and face a second round 

of poisonous chemo with a smile on the face?  

Well, sit back, pour yourself a glass of red wine, dig up a piece of that 'sinfully delicious' 70% cocoa chocolate you've got stashed away in the back of your sock drawer 

(relax, both items are scientifically sanctioned as cancer fighters - Woot!) 

and I will give you an eye-witness account:

First of all, we asked for specific prayer for a restful, rejuvenating sleep after our harrowing experience with the CT scanner in Munich yesterday and voila! .... Mom rec'd the best nights sleep she's had in months!  I tiptoed into her room at 7:30 am and accidentally woke her up....

Then I sheepishly - hastily - retreated to my own room, berating myself all down the hallway for doubting the power of your prayers.

Lesson 101 in Letting go and Letting God means exactly that.  

So shut-up Joanne and take your lumps!

Add to this scenario - a sky full of brilliant delicious warmth and a terrace breakfast bathed in sunshine and Mom's near perfect readings for blood pressure and sugar levels

and I am humbled to the core.

The grounds behind the Leonardis clinic

Mom's arm is getting back to a new normal and spends the whole morning outside with her IV pole hovering over us - soaking in the herbal chemo infusions with one side of the body and packing a mean six dice round with the other.  Trouncing me, truth be told!

I decide to get ruthless.....

I wander off below with my camera and leave her reading instead. 

 Enough punishment!

In it's heyday - this clinic must have grown all its own organic veggies and herbs.

It looks like it's still being used despite it's decrepit state....

This appears to be a neglected chicken coop?  The eggs we eat at breakfast at definitely free range - very orange coloured yolks.  But I don't think the layers live around here anymore.

I'm approaching an official Norfolk Pine growing in it's natural habitat.

That's cool.  I once had one in my living room back home.  Picked it up from a Garden Centre and managed to keep it alive for, oh say -  about 4 months.  :)  

No green thumb here.  Never was and never will be.

So I can't keep them alive if my own life depended on it, but I can admire them in the place they were meant to grow.  That's got to count for something!

Coming back up thru the environmentally protected area to check on Mom and see if she's noticed that I've abandoned her yet.  LOL.  

Then Doctor D came by to visit us.  He outlined the afternoon procedure and told us
to prepare for a 3 to 4 hour marathon in the chemo chair - said he'd wire Mom up to EECP (Enhanced External CounterPulsation) which is admittedly, a somewhat outdated method of enhancing peripheral blood circulation during the chemo treatment.  Wait till you see what THAT looks like! (below)  

He proceeded to confirm what Mom had already long suspected:
the CT scan shows that her tumours have already grown & multiplied from last months' CT images
taken at the Juravinski Centre.  Her cancer is terminal and very aggressive.

Do you know what my mother did when he left our table??

She smoothed out the tablecloth with resolute precision, turned to our interrupted game of six dice
and said,"Who's turn is it?"

Why am I so continually surprised by this woman?

When am I ever going to 'get it'?

Chemo IV's have a distinct ominous look about them but nothing compared to this EECP bed that she allowed herself to be strapped into.  It fired up with a loud drone and pulsated so strongly, Mom's body jerked up a few inches every few seconds.  The surprise was so great we laughed hysterically till I couldn't decide if Mom was laughing or crying.  But no.  She was laughing and of course, felt the need for a bathroom not too long afterward.  She hung in there for another half hour only because I threatened to scour the cupboards for the depends supply ... so with one chemo down and one to go - she voluntarily disengaged herself from that indignity and decided to get her blood circulating with a good old-fashioned walk around the block after chemo instead!  

Pfft!  Stupid thing looks like some kind of execution device!

It only testifies to Mom's strong constitution and commitment to putting up the best possible fight 

despite all odds for increasing her survival time.

I think we'll stick to this room with the full body massage water bed. Yes sirree! 

We're going to spend a lot more time on this side of the lower level for sure.

Do you see the ant in this peony?  

Did you know that a peony needs ants to open up its bud and blossom?
Such infinitesimal breathtaking detail in our fallen world.
Can you imagine yourself under the constant watch and care of such a Creator?

This is how my mother faces second line treatment for metastisized breast cancer 

with a smile on her face:

She lives out Lesson 101 on Letting Go and Letting God.

All you prayer warriors out there?  Keep at it, cuz it's working.

  Praise be to God!

Wednesdays Sun

We were'nt the only ones soaking up a long absent sunshine.

Charging shamelessly 25 paces ahead of me.

We stopped by the local Goldsmith at the recommendation of another in house patient, a miner from South Africa (struggling with colon cancer) who said the man's prices were still reflecting gold values of 2002.  What do we know?  Sounds good.  Looks like gold, smells like gold, so it must be.

Isn't this the cutest little conifer?  It was in a planter pretending to be an annual or something.  

It was bearing cones!

Behold.  My favourite annual in my favourite colour.

The local market sells fresh fruit & veggies, all sundry and includes a delicatessen and a considerable wine collection.  Bellingham Shiraz/Cab blend from South Africa 2008 takes a prize.  At $4.79 it tastes like more.  We came for the wine, some better shampoo for me and some crackers for mom which will come in handy when she starts her chemo.

One of the big 'Clydesdales' and her offspring finally enjoyed a day out as well.

Clearly, the bottle on the left is shampoo.

Clearly, the one on the right is not.

I used Google Translator on every single word on that bottle and not ONCE, did the word shampoo pop up.  Words like coiling, hair care to tips, and then Haarpflege which is conditions.

Ugh.  That accounts for a whole week of bad hair days.  

But whew, now I can stop thinking about the chemo wig too.